B0T STOVE – Half-assed return

30 12 2011

It’s been some time since we last had an update, and there’s a lot of ground to cover. Let’s just tackle these things by division.

AL North

-This is a division that highlights that the league isn’t so much separated into the haves and have nots, but the tries and the try nots. The disparity between the top two teams and the bottom two teams represents a common thread amongst each league.
-Augusta made a huge splash in free agency when they acquired renowned slugger Wiki Armas, but more credit for the team’s success should go to Cleveland holdovers Brian Mays and Roosevelt Adcock. The turnaround has been sharp, but it also makes one wonder how successful dmurphy could have been if he spent half the effort on his team as he did on selling stolen Wii Fits online.
-Toledo trading Wilfredo Gonzalez in-season within the division might seem shocking, but Gonzalez had to go. He wouldn’t let anyone have the remote in the locker room, and insisted on watching reruns of Chopped.
-Virgil Seanez is destined for the DL this season. Not because he’s injury-prone, but because he’ll throw his back out carrying this team.
-gin still doesn’t give a shit about you or this league. He’ll tank all he goddamn pleases. And if it gets him more players like future stud pitcher Bernie Quintero, it might just help him eventually become respectable again.

AL East

-Cy Townsend for Norfolk eats boogers.
-It’s bullshit how many good young players Stu has in his organization.
-Wichita is using great pitching and Gill McMillan to make a push for the division crown, but the real unsung hero for this team is cbriese. Because I’m pretty sure he’s paying for it all and randomly throws players his son’s way to fill out an already strong roster.
-Buffalo’s top draft pick Stretch Martin went on the DL with back spasms, which is somewhat ironic because he probably would have been fine if he actually stretched.
-Pittsburgh selected elite catcher Wilson Harper with the third pick of the draft. Harper used his $5,501,000 bonus to buy a shitload of pajama jeans. He likes to wear them when he’s catching a bullpen session, and even asked the minor league affiliates of Pittsburgh to adopt denim-themed uniforms. So if he says he’s into pajama jeans because he’s being ironic, he’s a lying twat. He loves those pants.

AL South

-For some reason, Sam Swindell always draws the most awful trade offers. Sure, he’s an odd player to evaluate because his low stamina means he’s either an upper echelon starter who can’t get deep into games, or a relief pitcher who can’t really throw all that frequently. But the return suggested by other teams always seems to more or less reflect what you’d get for an above average Set Up A pitcher.
-Montgomery Rule V pick Deep Throat Lee is really popular with the Alabama gay community (i.e. jktcat and Nick Saban), but he insists the name came from his parents’ affinity for anonymous political informants and not anything sexual.
-Kansas City never seems to make any off-season upgrades, and yet still finds itself contending for the division title. Babypop likes to keep everything in house as an organization. The rationalization isn’t that KC is awesome at talent acquisition or developing players, it’s more because babypop is too shy to talk to new players. He’s waiting for the free agents to come to him.
-San Antonio was shocked when slugger Juan Cano dropped to them in the draft. For all intensive purposes, this was a steal. It had them rethinking why he dropped as much as he did. Did they do well enough research? Maybe. But rumor has it that some teams took him off their boards because he listed Whitney as his favorite TV show on a background information survey and they wonder what sort of brain damage he has.
-Ha. Bret. Remember when people thought he wouldn’t suck? That worked out. I can’t even tell if this terrible season is on purpose or not.

AL West

-The fact that Salem is still sometimes playing Hootie Stewart has to be illegal, right? It’s at least unethical to abuse a corpse like that.
-Colorado decided to invest $0 in amateur scouting budgets in a season when they had three first round draft picks. Yeah, the picks were pretty terrible, but they were still better than some of the ones bret would make when he was actually trying.
-The Colorado beat writers have openly started a Hal Fitzgerald for MVP campaign on twitter, but they haven’t yet found a deft pun to use as a catchphrase. So far they have “AL MVP? Go to Hal.” Or “Fitz In Your Box”.
-Albuquerque decided to resign Albert Encarnacion. He’s got an ERA under 4.00 for the first time in ten seasons, so winepimp figured he’d reward him by tacking on another year to his contract. Encarnacion needed the money anyway. He practically went bankrupt when he invested all his money into packs of Garbage Pail Kid trading cards and the Garbage Pail market started drying up.
-One has to wonder what dirt Edgard Amaro has on Fregoe for him to even be on the ML roster, and making over $600,000. My guess is he saw Fregoe pressing his dick into silly putty to see what happens.

NL North

-Cincinnati OF Shaggy Barnes still has never seen Anchorman despite everyone else on the team telling him he “needs to see it”
-Detroit isn’t winning the division, but the team isn’t letting themselves feel down. Instead robusk has them all listening to this album from Kurt Vile.
-Insiders are becoming wary as there hasn’t been any mention recently from robusk about how his team is just overachieving or shouldn’t really be contending for the playoffs. Competing teams are feeling uneasy about the lack of gratuitous self-promotion, because they can’t gauge their own deficiencies otherwise.
-When David Bako came off the Disabled List, people in Hartford cried from their genitals.
-Columbus wound up releasing recent draftee Davey Smith because it was determined that he was not, in fact, former professional wrestler the British Bulldog.

NL East

-Even dherz’s farts have a lisp.
-New York pitcher Ray Putnam has been using some of his salary to fund and produce an off-Broadway play called War Whores. The response has been mixed, calls have not been returned by Spielberg, but Putnam proudly tells anyone around that the puppet sex scenes in his story are much better than in Team America. Specifically stating: “War Whores is like Brown Bunny, Team America is like Bugs Bunny.”
-It had to be a mistake that tylermathias won a World Series. This season is more appropriate for what should be happening in Dover. They should not have strayed so far from mediocrity, because they’ve now lost their identity as a team. Gill McMillan was so disappointed by the change in organizational values that he did not consider returning to Dover.
-Scranton, admirably, is still continuing the experiment of playing two Designated Hitters, despite being in the NL. Phillip May and Octavio Valenzuela are not meant to play the field. But I guess that’s why Alcheez sees a little of himself in those two…
-Brad Leach is black? I never noticed before. It sucks that he can close all those games for jwelsh, but still isn’t allowed in the water ice store.

NL South

-You would think Memphis’ Ryuu Chong knows karate or some martial arts, but he doesn’t.
-I’m really surprised that Bill Mahoney has never had a DL stint in his playing career. I guess good budgeting and good luck can help. But can they help him now that he’s been SUPERJINXED?
-What’s the rez stand for in that rezlife shit Vandydave is always talking about? Is that some Midwestern slang for retarded?
-I bet Clay Knotts would have a hard time making knots out of clay. I think most people would.
-Let it be known that Texas relief pitcher Hootie Pote pronounces his last name like “pootie”. And it’s lots of fun for announcers to say outloud.
-Mexico City had been pretty consistently stellar for a while there. Then once they break the bank to sign Slim Betemit, the team goes to the shitter. Betemit is having the worst season of his career, and he has chimichangas to blame for it.
-It’s weird that as defensively conscious as Mexico City is, they somehow have ten minus plays from their pitching staff. Did someone tell them the grass around the mound is hot lava?

NL West

-Congratulations on your division title, Tisi.
-San Diego really gets a kick out of starting right handed bats.
-Cheyenne’s Grant Simas is Matt Stairs’ favorite fake player on a website he didn’t know existed.
-It’s only a matter of time before Gill Cho starts reeling off Cy Young awards. He’s good already, but the only trophies he’s got now are the used underwear of previous sexual conquests. I’m just surprised the guys didn’t notice their underwear was missing.
-I wonder how many players have trash-talked Mo Mosely by calling him Ho Mo. It has to be pretty high. I doubt there’s much originality in name-calling on the baseball diamond.