b0t Stove – Extra Meaty

24 02 2010

It’s been a while since our last installment, so I’m going to make this B0t Stove extra meaty. Let’s get to it.

  • Things are getting spicy in Salt Lake City. Famous mongoloid pitcher, Corky Downs, was walking around the clubhouse early one morning and overheard fellow pitcher Weldon Dorsey shouting. Downs pressed his ear to the door, and eventually realized Dorsey must be looking for the team’s All-Star second baseman because he kept shouting “Adcock!” Downs eventually found Adcock in the showers and told him Dorsey was looking for him. Adcock said it couldn’t be possible, because he already went and Dorsey could only be about halfway through the bukkake line.
  • Boise is shopping Kelly Payne. But buyer beware, the guy looked late thirties when he was entering the draft as aSenior in High School. He’s been getting AARP pamphlets in the mail, if that’s indicative of his true age.
  • Tyler Ramsey just looks ridiculous in those glasses. He’d be a Cy Young contender this season if he didn’t look so damn goofy. The red sideburns don’t help.
  • No, Harry Calles is not related to the Hall of Fame announcer. Just a homonym, apparently, though he doth protest too much if you tell him that. He also doesn’t have an amazing voice. He sounds like Kathy Griffin hungover.
  • If you think Anthony McKay has a lot of plus  plays, you should see all his plus-size women’s underweear. He likes fat chicks more than David Day likes popcorn butter and boobies.
  • Detroit is considering cutting Kennie Andrews. And not in the releasing him way, but in the stabbing way. He’s just sucked so much and underperformed his contract and their expectations to the degree where animosity within the clubhouse makes it feel like a George Romero movie is about to break out.
  • As a Designated Hitter, Rico Alcantara often finds himself bored in the dugout during the half of the inning his team is not up to bat. Alcantara found something to do, however, in his home dugout. He found a loose, live wire on the far end of the bench, which must be somehow related to the call-box to the bullpen. Regardless, Alcantara has a habit of taking the copper end of this live wire and inserting it into his urethra. The extra jolt  between innings has supposedly made him feel livelier at the plate during home games, and thus responsible for his skewed home/road splits.

Once again, if you have any tips or blotter, trade chat them to me.


B0t Stove – David Day, Mike Ponson’s dick, and the Philadelphia Phingers

1 02 2010

Another addition of the B0t Stove. Feel the heat.

Glen Judd just sodomized the Salem Slores during Kansas City’s recent sweep over moy’s faggotry. Judd showed Steve Thomas-style retard strength by mashing in like 10 RBI’s in three games, or something. He’s also Winona’s godson, and had unprotected sex with Reba McIntyre countless times.

Mark Jang told the trainers he had a bulging disc in his neck. The Philadelphia training staff misheard him at first, but knowing Jang’s background/math skills/driving shittiness, they realized he had to have been saying “disc”. He’ll be missing from the Phingers’ lineup for a month’s worth of games, but luckily the NL “Beast” is kind of shitty lately, and he probably won’t lose that much ground.

-Staying in Philadelphia, Brad Leach  is a wiccan. Siriusly. He eats grass and twigs, and prays on the mound that the wind god or something keeps those flyballs within Citizen Bank Ballpark’s walls.  Leach has apparently also had sex with an opossum, which he insists shouldn’t be spelled with the “o” in front because “that’s stupid”. However, it’s widely believed he won’t had the “o” to the opossum until his interspecies sex eventually leads to the marsupial climaxing.

-Montgomery started 2-13. Then they changed their name in a tribute to Stan Rhodes, and went on a 18-5 run. Believing that  karmic factors are in hand, Montgomery recently signed Stan’s foster-brother Darron, formerly of Montgomery wayback when they were actually routinely good. And they gave Darron Rhodes that eyepatch he’s been asking for:

-Montreal lost nine games in a row. As a result, tpete’s Sioux Falls franchise has taken over first place. And even more miraculously, Derrek Saunders has somehow turned into an ace, of sorts. He’s been carrying that pitching staff through the early juncture of the season. All despite being born with inverted nipples.

-Back to Montreal, some are suggesting that David Day has started to slump or at least appears distracted. His predilections for women have been well-documented, but apparently he’s run out of useable women in Montreal. In a seemingly-masturbatory perversion, David Day refuses to bed any woman who isn’t exactly a DD bra size, which he insists stands for his initials and not the actual size of the breast. In pursuit of women of this archetype, David Day has taken to hanging out at local Victoria’s Secrets or Frederick’s of Hollywoods and standing near the display for bras of that size. As such, he’s spent less time at batting practice.

-In an interview with CBS Sports, hugenuge said you’re all his bitches and can choke on his seminal fluid.

Mike Ponson of Detroit has to go on a hotstreak soon, or else his genitals will become deformed. In spring training, he bet Diego James that if James had more home runs than Ponson at the fifty game point, Ponson would get a tattoo of James’ name down the shaft of his dick, and another of James’ face smiling just above the pubis. At this point, Ponson has been stuck on one home run, while James has 4 to date.