b0t Stove – Season 16 Draft Recap

20 05 2010

I’ll try to do a brief review of the first round, followed by dick jokes.

1. Vancouver Tapefaces – SP Jason May – He’s already signed. Has great control, good splits, and a nice durability/health combo that makes me think he has the potential to start on short rest on a playoff team down the line, you know, after he hits fre agency or gets left unprotected in the Rule V draft. Good pitcher, safe pick.

2. Toronto Terrible Names – 2B Wesley Blair –  He sounds British. I was right when I said he’d be going to Canada. probably better overall rating than he’ll be overall, but he’s got serious All-Star upside. The power/speed combo has him as a virtual lock for a 30/30 season down the line.

3. New York Flight of the Conchords Cast Pizza Party Nonsense – SP Dick “Turd” Ferguson – Great splits, great control, great three pitches. Probably the top pitching prospect in the draft if he didn’t have stamina somewhere between tracyr watching Anne Ramsey movies and kbjone doing laps between the dinner and dessert buffets at some all-you-can-eat place. His pitch count will be tempered, but he’ll be effective when he’s out there.

4. Cleveland Small Penis Fat Wife Jokes – C Francisco Cervelli – High pitch-calling rating, high power, decent albeit lopsided splits, and the stamina/health to be an everyday catcher. Something to be said for finding someone defensively capable at the catcher position who isn’t offensively impotent. Too bad he has less make-up than some ugly hippie broad’s medicine cabinet.

5. Buffalo Drunken Argumentative Statisticians – SP Sam Martin – He isn’t terrible, but his pitch control is just barely higher than Rob’s self-control. And he’s asking to get paid.

6. Louisville Consistently Subpar But At Least Bret’s Trying All-Stars – SP Herman Harris – Not a good bet against right-handed batters. Probably not the best pick this high in the draft, but it’s bret. We’ve all seen him fuck up worse. Cut him some slack. Maybe this guy won’t even sign and he’ll get a comp pick next year to rectify his mistake.

7. Helena Unemployed – SS? Marlon Potvin –  He’ll probably wind up at third base with that range. His splits are as lopsided in favor of facing lefties as bret’s pitcher, but nobody seems to give jktcat a hard time about this stuff. Probably because of the depression. He has the batting skills of a lead-off hitter, with the speed of Hanley Ramirez jogging down a booted ball. So who knows where he’ll sit in the order, but his contact and eye should get him on base.

8. Memphis Blues – SP Josh Zambrano – For someone who develops this game, patrickm sure has a hard time drafting quality players. Zambrano’s strength are his velocity and pitches, which should help him strike some guys out. The downside is he’ll be lucky to hit a control of 60, and his health rating is just shitty enough to mean there’s some DL stints looming, but not low enough to have led to him being dropped down the draft board.

9. Montreal Where Gin Used To Always Win – SP Willie Evans – I’m sure gin will tandem-glitch this guy into 150 career wins and find some use out of him. He’s a pitcher with a stamina too low to effectively start, and a durability too low to relieve more than once in a series… He’s someone gin could make use of, but he’s also someone who shouldn’t have gone so high. He’ll be wishing he had Decker or Greene instead in a few seasons.

10. Pittsburgh Plagiarists – SP Damian Waterson –  I couldn’t see this guy’s projections. Maybe he’s okay, maybe he isn’t. But he is the grandson of the elderly lawyer actor from Law & Order. And I’m going to steal his medicine.

11. Helena Blues – CF Mark Pearson – Defensively-capable centerfielder with speed and a great eye. He’ll be good against righties based on that absurd split differential, but the low contact/power will probably hinder his ability to contribute consistently on offense. Maybe he can just drag bunt every at bat.

12. Boise Lets My Trade Proposals Sit Idle For Monts – RF Lynn Park – Future Stolen Bases champ in the making. Most guys with projected perfect speed don’t have a projected 95 in baserunning. If he stays healthy despite the somewhat questionable health rating, he’ll pose good value. he’s got good splits and a great eye. Contact and power are just enough to let him use his speed in the basepaths.

13. St. Louis Lakins – SS Tim Jodie – honestly, if i REALLY wanted to, youre right, i could. i just want to see if better options open up. im still being patient for now… maybe ill form a relationship… who knows. i dont wanna get too deep into it .

14. Sioux Falls After Playing Over Her Head – SP Albert Saenz – The middle class get richer, I guess. Saenz is a good pitcher. If not the ace, a very good #2 pitcher. When I used that formula builder with Stan Rhodes’ ratings as a template, Saenz came out very favorably. Good durability/health means he can pitch on shorter rest. He’ll be effective against righty-heavy lineups. Has scoliosis, which makes the fact I compared him to Rhodes ironic. Rhodes-ian Ridgeback. Heh.

15. Montgomery Somewhat Biased Opinions – DH/C Jizz Bomber Greene – High for a DH? You’re high if you don’t see those projections and don’t think he’s going to live up to his name and blow holes in your pitching staff with his cum-cannon. Yeah, he’s Bengie Molina slow, but he’s faster than Glen Judd who generally places near the top of the AL MVP ballots. So it shouldn’t hinder him too much. Maybe he’s just that slow because he’s always marveling his Peter North blasts going over your team’s heads.

16. Norfolk Yourself – 3B Adam Willis – If he stays healthy, he’ll hit some dingers. He’s bound to get hurt at some point, but he was worth the risk at this point.  He’s got long sideburns and a wide-set moustache. He should just connect that shit and go Chester A Arthur on us. That’d be cool.

17. Philadelphia Phingers – 3B William McInerney – I just moved him to third. I’m sure Jamie will do the same shortly. He’s not terrible. He can probably start. He’ll never wow you, but he’s not terrible. We’ve seen worse picks already, and he can contribute at a few positions and be solid. Good enough to start, but probably not someone who you should hope to be your saviour.

18. New York DANZAS – SP Ozzie Smith – No relation, I think. Still Smith is probably a steal at this juncture as he has great control, two plus pitches, and good enough splits. I’ve seen Nuge win with less.

19. Minnesota Minks – SP Morgan Decker – The pitcher gin should have coveted, and every tandem-abuser will wish they had. His health means he’ll have to be fit in whenever possible, and his stamina means he’ll have to split games with someone. But his control and splits are as good as anyone’s in the draft. He’s a groundball pitcher, but he’s got an insanely high velocity and four plus pitches, which should lead to a lot of strikeouts in the innings he is available. Expect to see a tandemy team overpay for him in a season or two, because mink is too lazy and stupid to use him to his full potential.

Notice how the 15th through 19th picks were drastically better than the 5th through 9th picks.

And I’m starting to get tired of this.

20. Seattle Who the F is danmorrison? I let htis guy in the league? Oh well. – CF Hayes Florie – He can play centerfield, probably. We’ll see how his glove develops. He’s got some power, and could sneak into an All-Star game down the line. Good poick, stranger.

21. Honolulu Bad-Check Cashing Cashiers  – SP Manuel Mesa – His control sucks, but he’s just good enough otherwise to be a good enough back of the rotation guy. The groundball rate will especially be useful.

22. San Francisco Mattress Salesmen – LF/1B Ho” Mo Mosley –  Contact and power make him a good player down the line. His splits and eye are good. The question is how his defense develops, because he’s got a lot of ground to cover in order to cover the ground in the outfield.

23. Texas Rogaine Addicts – SP Chris Thurman –  He’s fine. Not terrible, but not much special.

24. Scottsdale Tanking AbusersCF Khoury Seneca – He can play centerfield someday. A lot of speed for a team that has been getting by lately with power. His bat isn’t abysmal, so he should probably be a regular in due time. Which for Fregoe is two seasons.

25. Scranton Virgins – RP Sam Charles – Good relief pitcher, especially against left-handed batters. Might not close, but he’ll be a valuable arm out of the bullpen.

26. Dover Leg-Lifting Employed-by-their-Mothers Hot Pockets – C Malcolm Creek – High pitch-calling catcher who can actually play every day. Good power, like Cervelli from Cleveland, but worse splits. Better arm for gunning down runners. Future backstop of a mediocre team.

27. Norfolk Yourself – SP Hanley Holmes – Great value. His control and plus-pitches make him a commodity as a pitcher. His splits are just good enough to indicate that he has potential as a 2/3 starter down the line.

28. Los Angelos Traderapers – SP Sean Hooper –  Innings eater. Pure and simple. Doesn’t have a good enough split vs. lefties, and his control might never develop. But he can pitch batting practice in the afternoon and then the game at night.  Stamina plus Durability + Health are his best attributes.

29. Sioux Falls – 2B Julio Ramos – Meh.

30. Detroit Spacecoyote Haters – 2B Joe Williams – He has enough talent and enough balance to be a good player on a good team. Could sneak into an All-Star game someday. Not falshy, but he’ll be productive.

31. Salem Sucks – 1B Shooter McClellan – Here is the worst pick of the first round. I can’t wait to see moy rush him through the minors so he’ll be starting over Hootie in a season. If Shooter even signs. He’s asking for $7.5m.  The common sentiment is that moy drafted someone who wouldn’t sign just for the compensatory pick next year. But is moy really that smart? Or that shrewd? How can he be so sure next year will be any better? He has 0/0 in his budget this season, so maybe he’ll just bump one of those up to 1 and he can actually see more prospects. What a dolt. But at least he’ll overpay the next good international free agent.

32. San Diego Whale Vagina Anchorman References – CF/2B Tomas Cosilla – Good range for Petco. Good speed for a team that tries to use small-ball. But non patience whatsoever. He probably killed himself after having wait this long to get picked.

 33. Kansas City First Round Losers – SS/3B benjamin White – Doesn’t really have the projections to play shortstop in the Majors. Doesn’t have the bat to talk yourself into starting anywhere else. So he’s effectively a reserve utilityman. And frankly, I like the shortstop Kansas City picked 60 spots later a whole lot more. That guy can actually play ML defense, plus he has a marketable skill (speed).

34. San Antonio Glitch Pitch Masters – P Dan Morel – I didn’t see this guy. I assume he fits the usual rlahann mold. Therefore, he is an asshole. And he doesn’t play frisbee.

I’m not doing the compensatory picks. Deal with it.


B0T STOVE – Season 16 already?

13 05 2010

We’re 40 games into the season already? I forgot to do my blog settings. Whoops.

The stove has been preheated for a while now, so let’s get cooking:

Miguel Matos got a bulging disc in his back. Translation? Bug-eyed third base coach Alfredo Wainhouse accidentally got his frisbee lodged too far up Matos’ rectum. Ultimate anal frisbee is dangerous.

– rlahann doesn’t have a single Aryan looking dude on his ML roster. That’s racist or something. Nobody has blonde hair or looks like they’d be playing frisbee. No sideburns, either. They’re all generic looking assholes in San Antonio.

– moy is financing a movie to celebrate the life of Hootie Stewart. Casting has been difficult because the gay black guy from Revenge of the Nerds isn’t acting anymore. And Burton Guster from Psych refuses to play homosexual. LOGO viewers will be disappointed.

– Sioux Falls has the best record in the AL. How? Indian Magic. I don’t know. Some bullshit reason. It shouldn’t last.

– The New York Flight of the Conchords Pizza Hodgepodge is the worst team in the league. The new sim is rigid in its programming, that an owner must be able to say “Seventh Inning Strettch” without sounding like a cartoon duck in order to be successful. . Should Kerry Pride have to change his name after he had an OPS lower than a handful of teams’ batting averages and getting demoted to AAA?

– babypop is going to be hyping Pat Watson all season. Prepare to be sick of his name. Not to Hootie-extent, but probably a little bit more than vagiphobe Daneker. But luckily you won’t have to worry about him being mentioned again once the first round of the playoffs is over.

Glen Judd promised his Kansas City teammates a private tour of Dollywood by Dolly Parton herself when the team played Memphis this season, apparently unaware that it’s a home game. Being related to country music royalty doesn’t mean you know how to read a calendar. Craig  Blair, a noted fan of big fake boobs and botoxed to Hell faces, is reportedly furious.

Gus Davenport needs to get himself onto a socially relevant franchise. He’s about to throw himself into a wood-chipper.

Kelly Payne, the HBD version of David Arquette’s character in Never Been Kissed, is still performing admirably despite probably being 45 years old now and the subject of numerous trade rumors.

– Amateur draft prospects are on team’s radars. Based on a cursory review, Wesley Blair should be getting his passport ready. Dude’s almost guaranteed to be playing in Canada.

– az4lifenotr barely checks his team, and he still has a better record than way too many of you. You should be ashamed of yourselves. He’s even half-retarded.