OMFGIYA – Sergei’s return and the b0t Stove

28 01 2010

Another installment of B0t Stove. Grab an oven mit, then your dicks. It’s going to get sexy.

-sergei91 has taken over for dmurphy104. Does Cleveland have a gay population? They do now. Sergei’s torso will queerenate them. Too bad the team sucks.

-hugenuge says you’re a cunt

Wiki Armas got a stiff oblique. He must have been watching Carrie.

Lyle Purcell tore his groin muscle. He must have been watching Wiki Armas watching Carrie. Because he’s into dudes. Too bad he doesn’t live in Cleveland.

Hootie Stewart has been in Cleveland before. A guy named Cleveland.

-Montreal has a team batting average of .337. I’m pretty sure a bunch of teams don’t even have a single player with an average that high, but I’m too lazy to look. Also, David Day  sometimes goes to a movie theater and orders one of their big ass sodas. Then he’ll dump the soda out and fill the cup with that disgusting pump butter they have for popcorn. He uses it as lube at home.

-That dude Daneker that tylermathias is always talking about? I hear he jerks off to the View. And it’s Whoopi who he’s looking at.

-moy is tied for the league’s best record, but holds the league record for most ridiculous early career call-ups of prospects that thereby damage any chance the player actually reaches 80% of their projections. Congratulations, moron.

-How does Boise have 21 wins so far this season? Depends on the vulva.

-dherz, spacecoyote, and robusk have three of the five worst records in the world. Luckily they still get their rape on in Harold Reynolds. n00bs aplenty!

-You know what bothers me? Stan Rhodes has a dedication thread that nobody else bumps but me. Fuck you guys. Stan Rhodes is a legend and deserves your respect.

-Hugenuge thinks your mom’s gash is so big, it looks like Paul Bunyan gave her the axewound.

-tracyr says Haiti deserved it. There’s some dude in Harold Reynolds who collects orphans who begs to differ.

How about you play tummysticks with my tradechat? Or a little game of just the TIPS?



21 01 2010

Welcome to the next installment of the B0t Stove. These are the latest rumblings around Shtickless Hardball Dynasty.

Joe Morton recently revealed to Esquire magazine that for much of his early 30’s he had an agreement with a friend of his who worked at a hospital, where all umbilical chords and placentae were FedExed to him with dry ice like Omaha steaks or something. Morton would ingest the afterbirth for the nutricious stem cells, which allowed him to continue to improve well beyond most players plateau. As stem cells are not considered an illegal substance, it does not seem likely that Morton will see his Hall of Fame credentials tarnished.

-The Memphis Blues are looking around the league for dominant pitching, albeit from the elusive switch-hitting pitcher. patrickm looks like Eugene Mirman and is apparently retarded.

Steve Thomas wears a Tweetie Bird t-shirt underneath his jersey at all times. It appears to be the source of his retard strength.

-World Series champion owner hugenuge42 took out a full page ad in each other team’s local newspaper telling them they’re humongous faggots, can blow him, and are superjealous of his World Series trophy. Especially the “queers from the league forum.”

-World Series runners-up Los Angeles is on pace for a 69 win season. They apparently suck now. Couldn’t handle the pressure.

-Vancouver uberprospect Willie Simpson has struggled to adjust to the Major Leagues. Statistically, he’s fine. But five separate times he’s gone home with a groupie who turned out to be a transsexual. He claims within the lockerroom that it’s a series of coincidences, but his teammates are growing suspicious.

Wiki Armas has a fetish for period blood. That’s how he rolls. Sometimes he smells a used tampon like it’s the cork from a bottle of fine wine.

Stan Rhodes’ rapid decomposition is disheartening. In what could perhaps be his last season, fans in Montgomery have taken to dressing in character to commemorate the future Hall of Famer. There are Rhodes’ Toads, where people dress like frogs. There are Rhodes’ Rhoads, where people dress scholarly. There are Rhodes’ Rhodes, where people dress like former Married With Children character Steven Rhodes (women are dressed like Marcy D’arcy, formerly Marcy Rhodes). Bumps On Your Nipples fans are not entirely creative.

Once again, keep me informed of rumors and current events with trade chats.


17 01 2010

1. Accountant.
2. BoSox, favorite player is Varitek – but I was thrilled when they picked up VMart to replace him. Moment would be games 4 through 6 of the ALCS.
3. Winning the season 2 WS.
4. Depends, I’ll usually check it a few times a day during the work week. A lot more often during FA and coach hiring, and if I’m trying to make a trade.
5. Don’t focus on overall ratings. Don’t ignore secondary ratings.
6. Pitching, pitching and pitching. I’m a sucker for RP’s, too.
7. 2004 Red Sox


17 01 2010

1. what is your occupation
I invented post-it notes.

2. favorite MLB team, player, moment
I don’t watch baseball.

3. favority HBD moment
This sitemail, obviously.

4. how much time do you spend on your franchise daily
10 minutes.

5. any advice for rookie HBD owners
Sitemail me so that I can block you.

6. the most important factor, in your opinion, in building a winning franchise
Being gin_caesar.

7. who is the greatest MLB team (and year) of all time
See 2.

Also, go fuck yourself.

‘B0t Stove

17 01 2010

Welcome to the ‘B0t Stove, the location for Shtickless Hardball Dynasty news, rumors, and propaganda.

Hootie Stewart is 20 home runs from capturing the all-time career record. He’s also three Cabbage Patch orphans from having the world’s largest collection.

-Expect Jake Schmidt to get some extra rest in Spring Training, and Orel Reed to visit a jeweler. Reed lost his DANZAS World Series Champion ring up Schmidt’s rectum. Supposedly Reed used too much lube and the ring just slid off. Three small diamonds off the Danza’s logo on the side of the ring are still unaccounted for.

-A poll of 16 of the league’s owners revealed unanimous support that the AL is superior to the NL.

Marty Velandia got so accustomed to being in Stan Rhodes’ shadow that he stopped wearing sunscreen. But since moving to the NL, he never properly adjusted. He now has melanoma.

-Former owners tlak and az4lifenotr have returned to the league. honestly, tlak really wanted to start up a relationship with a new franchise.

-The NL East had a down year last year. It’s rumored that the extended proximity to tylermathias regressed the other franchises into mediocrity.

If you have any tips, please trade chat them to me.


17 01 2010

1. what is your occupation SHADY BANKER 2. favorite MLB team, player, moment IF YOU DON’T KNOW YOU BETTA AXE SOMEBODY?!?! OKAY – SEE DHERZ FOR TEH ANSWER. FAVE PLAYER – #7 JOSE JOSE JOSE JOSE. BEING AT THE BARTMAN GAME AND WATCHING CUBS FANS WRIGGLE IN AGONY! THAT WAS FANTASTIC! 3. favorite HBD moment ITS A TOSS-UP… KNOCKING R0B0T OUT OF THE WILDCARD RACE TWICE IN A ROW OR WINNING THE HAROLD REYNOLDS WS. HMMM. 4. how much time do you spend on your franchise daily LESS THAN I SHOULD 5. any advice for rookie HBD owners YEAH – DON’T LEAVE YOUR STARTING PITCHERS IN FOR THE WHOLE SPRING TRAINING – THEY WILL START THE SEASON WITH ABOUT AS MUCH SUCCESS AS ALCHEEZ PICKING UP WOMEN. 6. the most important factor, in your opinion, in building a winning franchise TANK FIRST – THEN WIN!!! 7. who is the greatest MLB team (and year) of all time 1986 METS – I’M BIASED.


16 01 2010

1 – researcher, statistician, computer programmer 2 – NYM, Albert Belle, 86 World Series 3 – beating Gin and B0t in consecutive playoff series 4 – less than 5 minutes 5 – dont listen to what anyone tells you, they dont want you to be succesful 6 – rape people 7 – 1939 Yankees