Your 2/9ths of the Season b0t Stove

22 11 2010

It doesn’t feel like we’re 22.222222% of the way done the season, but look how we’re just flying by.

I had every intention of doing some sort of power rankings, but it became too cumbersome to bother distinguishing between mediocrity. Instead I’ll just rattle off statistics and rumors on each of the 32 franchises.


Milwaukee Directives – Leading the division, despite having a winning percentage that does not befit their expected winning percentage. With a deficit in the run differential, you would not expect this team to be 21-15. There is a talented roster here, but the 8-1 record in one run games suggests a regression to the mean. Luckily, the mean still might be enough to win the AL North. Also, Darrin Snyder is riding a 17 game hitting streak which can be attributed to his new routine of not allowing himself to read anything while shitting. Perhaps the time saved stalling on the toilet has given him the extra BP reps he needed to succeed. It might be in jeopardy now, though, not just because I jinxed it: Josh Malone just bought a subscription to In Touch magazine.

Toledo Tapefaces – With enough raw talent in the organization, this team could easily just decide to win now and take the division. But calvinhydro has been playing the waiting game with this organization and has tried to accumulate many top prospects. With their low payroll and tankish seasons, they’re on their way along the Fregoe standard. However, Andres Crespo, his top pitcher, has been walking several batters this season just because he likes the funny music they play in the stadium whenever someone gets walked.

Cleveland Aboriginii – Lead the league in infield hits. Not because they’re fast or anything, just because Tom Eichorn nudges the first base bag several feet closer to home plate at the end of each defensive inning, just to see how long it’ll take before the umpires notice.

Montreal There’s Feces In There –  In case you weren’t aware of what “there” referred to, nowadays it means the fielding abilities of gin’s team. He has had 19 negative plays without a single good play in the field. This is mostly because Vin Delgado and Harry Blanco asked Randy Sherman nicely if they can play CF and 3B respectively. And despite each one having the range of kbjone singing, Sherman obliged. He’s a sucker for the word “please”.

Norfolk Southern  – On one hand, I’d like to say the 5-1 record in one run games shows this team is overperforming, but the strong young roster suggests maybe they just waited to bring up some talent until they no longer costed a year on the arbitration clock. The class of a weak division, but Orlando Zapata  keeps drilling gloryholes into the restroom stalls in the lockerroom.

Pittsburgh Ermeister Meisterburgher  – Way to lead the league in balks, assholes. Basically the AAAA team for Mexico City.

Buffalo Fat Crazy Whores – An anemic offense combined with shitty pitching should indicate this team will be competing for the first draft choice next season, but their division sucks. Just looking at the division record, they might be able to rack up some wins against teams that are trying even less. If that’s possible. Also, Buddy Flood got a chopstick four inches into his urethra, thus winning the lockerroom bet.

New York DANZAS – If nuge isn’t trying, why should I? Second fewest runs scored in all of the world, and giving up a shit-ton of runs. The expected winning percentage is abysmal, but it probably won’t change much as the season progresses. In rebuild mode, clearly.

Montgomery Stan Rhodes Memorials  – BEST RECORD IN THE LEAGUE, BITCHES. The defense is playing lights out, they’re scoring a lot of runs, and they’re pitching well. The bottom will surely fall out, but this  is the beginning of a new renaissance  in Montgomery.

Kansas City Wok – Maybe babypop is overestimating the effect of tandems in today’s sim. Just because it worked for gin eons ago, doesn’t mean it’s still an exploitable glitch. Not being able to get pitching up to par, and unable to hold onto leads late in games. Talented lineup should rebound, but it’s a little telling that there hasn’t been a single quality start in Kansas City. And Glen Judd wore a San Antonio Griffo Focas Flavio Dicas cowboy hat to the CMA awards, as he was there to support his kin. The Wok fans were upset at this slap in the face.

San Antonio Griffo Focas Flavio Dicas – That name sucks to write. Still below .500, but with an expected winning percentage and pitching ability to make a steady climb, this team should be in the playoff picture. Wellington Sanchez is complaining publicly about still being stuck in AAA. He called rlahann retarded. And I’d trust his judgement because my projections show he has a great eye.

Louisville Break your knees bitches  – Bret showed signs of improvement, and his team is getting better… But he’s still bret. Look who he has playing shortstop. Earl Bennett lost four fingers in a fireworks mishap. He shouldn’t be playing that position. Also, bret just realized that the recommendations by the system aren’t really the best settings to use. He would just let the system set his rotation for him. Keep him away from Wellington Sanchez, too.

Salem Slores – Best team in the league. Unfortunately moy is insuffereable so we all root for his failure.

Colorado Rapids – Surprisingly good, despite having shitty luck in extra inning games and losing games with their bullpen. They score a lot of runs and induce a lot of groundouts, but their success seems like it might not last.

Honolulu Hookahs – I’m getting lazy. I don’t want to write that much for each team at this point and I have fifteen minutes to get the rest of this done. The run differential and the success in one run games is really showing a dropoff looming.

Scottsdaleicious Boobies  – This team is playing terrible. They have too many good hitters to be 12-24. Though being 0-9 in one run games is just a fluke. They can turn it around, but the question is whether or n ot Fregoe even wants to. He could just suck it up and suck it up, go shitty to get that top pick. It would be his modus opperandi.


Minnesota Short Grass – How is this team doing so well? Not only are they 21-15 for the season, but the run differential shows they should be doing even better. For one, they lead the NL in number of pitches seen. So they’re probably just making the other team work a lot harder. Or maybe it’s because Johnny Rosen drinks the piss of Olympic bodybuilders, hoping the distilled steroid juice can inflate his power numbers.

Detroit Obstreperous Minorities – Not scoring a whole lot of runs. Not allowing many, either. There’s a good chance that robusk finds a way to will his team to the division title, but there’s also a chance that he just gets drunk and trades away Mike Ponson for a player who represents the hipster hippie values that robusk employs. Basically someone who is stylistically dirty and only enjoys locally grown foods. Or just someone whose name looks like the word ‘nipple’.

Cincinnati Riot – Playing obscenely below expectations, based on the run differential. Going 0-8 in one run games seems fluky. 0-3 in extra inning games. AS a whole, that’s a lot of shit luck in Cincinnati. My guess is they turn it around, somewhat. If not, they’ll just buttfuck in the shower because that’s what Nellie’s used to seeing men do.

Fargo Eh – Worst team in the league. Sure, they have some injuries, but they’re just so wholly mismanaged that I fully expect the team to overdose on heroin when the team thinks they’re taking regular steroids.

Dover Johnny Dramas –  Tylermathias is playing above average. His team is very good, and should continue to push towards the playoffs. And if you look at the advanced standings, he is playing exactly as you would expect. Want to know the real reason Albie Plata is on the trading block? He turned Tyler Rossy’s nicest socks into a male-female sock puppet tandem that beat each other and then fuck until Plata winds up needing one of them to wipe away his laugh-tears.

Philadelphia Phingers – Hanging in with Dover. One of a number of NL East teams with an inordinate number of one run games. But with the best pitching staff in the division, jwelsh should be able to contend throughout the season. Also, Arlie McPherson is only on the ML roster because of a bet.

Scranton Dundies – Should be playing better, will probably turn it around shortly, but should be closer to the other two than he is to dherz. I think alcheez just heard what a great wingman dherz was to bret in Atlantic City.

New York Bowie Mafia – Bench coach Cristobal Franco is a Buddhist. It’s why he refuses to sacrifice flies. This team scores less than kbjone.

Mexico City Quetzalcoatl – Fundamentally sound team, typically strong on defense as are most of cbriese’s ventures. They’ve pulled ahead of the rest of the division moreso through publicly pushing vetoes than actually outplaying them. But they are still pretty good in the field.

Memphis Blues – FLUKE. How is this team at .500 despite having the worst expected winning percentage in the league? Has allowed 23 more runs than anyone else in the NL. But what do you expect for the worst defense in the league? You would think that an actual programmer of the sim would realize that Rick Speaker, Orber Navarro, and Jesus Guittierez are not fit to play the positions they’re fielding. You would think he would know better.

Texas Disease – Leads the league in vetoed trades. They shouldn’t be doing as badly as they are. Vance Burke  breeds chinchillas.

St. Louis Kitten Mittons  – Nice spelling, retard. They should be playing better, especially considering Bill Mahoney has tried bribing umpires with autographed memorabilia. But tlak is retarded.

San Francisco Surf Dogs –  Best record in the NL. Playing at expectations. Playing outstanding. Nothing bad to say about them, except for the fact that the team has dildo parties every Tuesday.

Los Angeles Dystopian Futures  – Exceeding expectations. The reason? They get intentionally walked a whole lot. My guess is that opposing pitchers like the music that plays in Los Angeles when a player is walked.

San Diego Chikan Fukars – Tisi is better than this mediocrity, and San Diego shouldn’t really have allowed that many runs. I’m sure it’ll turn around. Just like when Irv Miller turns around and does more of a scissor thing with Bryce Winn.

Boise Mays – Thankfully this is my last team. I don’t even really care at this point. But I’ll just say that Kelly Payne jerked off to the opening ten minutes of the movie Up. I guess he likes some combination of animated children, infertility, and widowers. Who knows.


NL Season 18 Mary Kay Beauty Products Sales Party and Season Preview

5 11 2010

I’ll be honest. This isn’t my wheelhouse. But I’m still looking over rosters and trying to make an educated decision of all this.

Here’s my best guess. Call me an idiot if you must.

NL North:
robusk will let you know that it isn’t his most talented team. He’s trying to overhaul his lineup and they’re in a transitional stage, but I still think the sheer effort he puts into his teams compared to his division foes will probably help him win this one. Fargo has talent, plenty of it, but the question is whether blackmink’s talent will outplay robusk’s savvy.

NL East:
Didn’t this division used to be good? When tylermathias is your juggernaut, I think you can honestly stop hanging onto that “BEast” nickname. Scranton and Philadelphia will give chase, but it’s Dover’s division to lose. The Dramas’ lineup is stocked with both speed and power, and can win games in several different ways. Gil McMillan will be an MVP contender, and should lead Dover to a first round bye.

NL South:
Mexico City won the division last year, and while I see a drop-off in level of play, I don’t anticipate it being so significant thatt cbriese will lose his hold on the division. I do believe Ismael Nieves will lead Texas within a few games of Mexico City and will have his name firmly in the MVP running. His OPS will probably be one of the top few in the NL, so he’ll be on the ballot at the end of the year. Meanwhile Memphis and St. Louis are still in the midts of rebuilding and don’t quite look ready to challenge for the division.

AL West:
In what is consistently one of the more competitive divisions, there is generally constant tumult at the top. LA won last year, and has the lineup to contend again. However the pitching staff seems to be of lower quality than spacecoyote usually fields. The bats, led by McMahon and Gonzalez, will keep them in the playoff hunt. Meanwhile, Boise remains consistent and should again challenge for the division crown. San Diego and San Francisco each have talented teams, and could easily make a run towards the division title. In a hotly contested division, end-of-season health and fatigue might wind up playing a significant impact. Based on the budgets, I’m just going to guess Urdanick and Boise will be the ones finishing strong.
NL Playoff Seeds:
1 Dover
2 Mexico City
3 Boise
4 Detroit
5 Los Angeles
6 Scranton

NL Champion – Dover
NL MVP – Kelly Payne, Boise
NL Cy Young – Rusty Dresden, Fargo
NL ROY – Bill Mahoney, St. Louis

Season 18 AL Preview/Sex Toy Party

5 11 2010

Welcome to another season. It’s another chance for me to get lazy and stop posting on this blog too early on…

Rather than doing the team-by-team previews which prooved to be too time consuming for me last year, I’ll break it down by league. Today is the AL.

AL North Outlook:
tpete won this division last year, but he’s moved on. Taking over the defending division champions is mrfortune. He has a talented roster, but I’m once again predicting gin to eventually start trying again and walk away with the division title. While his lineup is old enough to have the Montreal locker room looking like a Lemon Party, the emphasis on medical and training should keep them strong and in the AL hunt throughout the season.

AL East
Norfolk had the best team in this division last year,r and they’ll have the best team this year. The organization is much more stocked than any of their divisional rivals. There’s no rason to sense a change in the divisional outlook after this past offseason.

AL South
This division has been home to two of the league’s heavyweights the last several seasons. San Antonio and Kansas City still have very talented teams with very specific organizational models. Not only is the nucleus for each team returning, but there are a few talented minor leaguers waiting in the wings which should help each team maintain strong levels of play. Clearly, I’m biased, but Montgomery has a pretty strong amount of young talent in the organization. They’ve made a few trades this offseason to improve the overall team outlook, but it probably isn’t enough just yet. Meanwhile bret is slowly making progress. He’s started accumulating talent, but it was just revealed that he always just goes by the recs at the Major League level for his settings. So some things still need improvement.

AL West
It’s moy’s division to lose. Salem is the defending World Series champion and returns a very talented core of plaeyrs. As usual, though, the issues which plague moy might be more than just the acquisition of talent. Clearly it’s a stocked organization, but the lack of emphasis on medical and training could lead to a sharp decline for some stalwarts and a prevalence of injuries that cause long-term damage to players and the organization. Fregoe has begun tanking, somewhat, in an attempt to restock his organization.
Projected AL Playoff Field:
1 Salem
2 Kansas City
3 Norfolk
4 Montreal

5 San Antonio
6 Montgomery

AL Champion = Kansas City
AL MVP = Wiki Armas, Montreal
AL Cy Young = Cleatus Kohlmeier, San Antonio
AL ROY = Sam Swindell, Montgomery